Mod Fortress 2
by Cheesy Corn Chowder
Summary: On what seems like an ordinary day in 2fort, Heavy discovers some major changes to his enemies, his friends, and the weapons everyone is using. Rated T for violence and language.


Heavy stood above the entrances to the RED Fort in 2Fort. The BLU team was no doubt plotting to steal the RED intelligence, but Heavy was ready for them. He had his Minigun aimed at the bridge between the forts, ready to fire at the BLU team.

As he stood waiting, he heard the decloaking of a Spy's Invis Watch. He turned around, preparing to fire at the Spy. But instead of a man in a ski mask, there was a woman with sunglasses and a headscarf. "Oh, _merde,_ " she said, "I've been spotted…"

"Who are you?" Heavy asked.

"I am the Spy," she said.

"You are not Spy," Heavy replied, "Spy is _man_. You are woman." This woman who claimed to be Spy reached into her jacket. Heavy was too paralyzed with confusion to start shooting at her. She pulled out a pen. Heavy burst into laughter. "A pen? You cannot kill Heavy with _pen_."

"Just watch me," she said. She stabbed Heavy with it. To his surprise, the pen actually hurt him.

"Ow!" he yelled. He looked at her angrily. "We fight like men now." He put down his Minigun and cracked his knuckles. He began trying to punch her and she attempted to stab him some more. She got in two more stabs on her before he punched her. She screamed as she fell to the ground. Heavy went down to claim the ammo box she had dropped. Inside, he found a note that read "Fooled you! :)" Heavy tossed the box aside. "Fake ammo box. She used Dead Ringer to fake death." He looked at the cuts he had received from her pen. "She did number on Heavy. Only one thing to do." He went back into the fort and pulled out his sandvich. As he was about to bite it, he looked at it. "Gah!" He dropped the sandvich onto the ground, which landed on a convenient plate as they always do. He bent over to pick it up. This sandvich was not his normal one. Instead, it was a grilled cheese sandwich. He took a bite. The toast cracked as he bit down. He pulled his bite away, leaving a string of cheese connecting his mouth to his new cheese sandvich. "Hmmm," he thought, "Still tasty." He took another bite and belched. "That was delicious!" he announced.

"The enemy has taken our intelligence!" the administrator yelled over the PA system. Heavy ran up the stairs and stood in front of the ramp leading from the basement. It was typical for the members of both teams to run up the ramp rather than the stairs, so it was easy for Heavy to predict where they'd be going. As the thief got closer, he started spinning up his minigun. Turning the corner, Heavy instantly recognized the hat. It was a blue cup-holder hat, housing two cans of Bonk! Atomic Punch.

"Scout…" Heavy muttered. But once the hat got closer, Heavy recognized that this was not Scout carrying the intelligence briefcase. It was a young lady, wearing a blue t-shirt and a gray skirt, not unlike BLU Scout's typical attire. "What?! Who are you?!" Heavy asked the young lady.

"Beat it, fatty," she said, "I don't have time to deal with you!"

Heavy pointed his minigun at her. "Maybe I should let you and Sasha talk this out like girls, then…"

"You'll have to catch me first!" She ran in the other direction faster than Heavy could run.

"Oog…" Heavy commented, "She is just like Scout, except as woman." He gave chase, following her back into the basement. "Where are you, female Scout?" At that moment, he got hit in the back of the head. "Ow!" he yelled. He turned around and saw the Fem Scout whacking him with a large red fish. "Gimme that!" he yelled, snatching the fish from her hand. He looked at it. The fish was large, red, and made of gummy candy. It looked oddly like the Holy Mackerel that Heavy had seen other Scouts using, but this one was different. He looked at the yellow wrapper. "'Swedish Fish?' What is this?" he asked.

With her melee weapon having been taken away, Fem Scout took out her Soda Popper (which had a can of Bonk! instead of Crit-a-Cola). She shot Heavy twice, killing him.

Fem Spy uncloaked herself. "Nice shot, _ma amie_ ," she commented.

"Thanks, Spy," Fem Scout said. She took her large fish back. "Trying to take my stuff. What a jerk." She then saw his cheese sandvich lying on the ground. She picked it up. "Huh. Never seen a cheese version of this…" She took a bite. "Still delicious." Fem Scout and Fem Spy began walking back to their base with the intelligence briefcase.

Back at the respawn point, Heavy scratched his head in confusion. Both the BLU Spy and Scout had become women, Scout's Holy Mackerel had become a giant Swedish Fish, and his own Sandvich had become a grilled cheese sandvich. "How could this happen?" he asked.

"Building a sentry!" came a voice from outside the respawn point.

"Engineer!" Heavy said, "I can help Engineer defend briefcase!" Heavy picked up his minigun and grilled cheese sandvich and ran to help Engineer. Engineer had set up a sentry on the 2nd floor, just between the stairs. That way, any BLU mercenaries were directly in its line of sight. Heavy approached the sentry, but couldn't find Engineer anywhere. He approached the Sentry.

From behind him, he felt a small, repeated tapping. "Gotcha!" a woman said with a Southern accent. Heavy turned around. He saw that Engineer was also a woman, wearing a bandana on her head rather than a hard hat. "Oh, sorry, darlin'," she said, "Just checkin' for spies. I was just gettin' some more metal for the sentry." She pushed Heavy aside. "Now stand back; this sentry ain't gonna level up itself."

"What is going on?" Heavy asked. He then felt the healing effects of Medi Gun. Realizing his best friend, Medic, was right behind him, he knew he could ask him what was happening. "Doctor, thank Бог you are here. I am so confused…" He turned around to face Medic. He instead screamed. Much like Scout, Spy, and Engineer, Medic was now a woman.

"Oh, don't vorry," Fem Medic comforted, "I've got your back."

"You!" Heavy yelled, "You are not Medic!" He pointed at Fem Engineer. "She is not Engineer!" He looked back at Fem Medic. "Girl is not Scout! Woman is not Spy! Who are you people?!"

"Heavy?" Fem Engineer asked, "Are y'all okay?" At that moment, the sentry was shutting down. "Spy sappin' my sentry!" Fem Engineer yelled. She smacked the electricity sapper off her machine. The broken sapper fell down in front of Heavy's feet. He looked at it. It didn't look like the standard Sapper or any of the other sappers he'd seen. Instead, it was white with red borders, said "Game & Sap" on the top, and replaced the electric readings with an animated LCD image of a Spy placing a sapper on a dispenser and an Engineer smacking it off.

Heavy looked back up and saw Fem Engineer knocking Fem Spy's Game & Saps off her sentry and Fem Spy repeatedly placing them on. "Spy sappin' my sentry!" Fem Engineer yelled repeatedly, while Fem Spy laughed.

Fem Spy's laughter was cut short when she received a headshot. Heavy looked over and saw a female Sniper standing with a smoking sniper rifle. With this voice of the male Sniper, she yelled, "This is gonna be a real piece of piss, you bloody fruit shop owners!" She then covered her mouth in embarrassment. With a female voice, she asked, "Was that my voice? Did I just say that?"

Before she could get an answer, she was blown up by a large bullet with angry eyes and arms. "This is not a camping trip, Sheila," he yelled, "this is war and I love it!" He ran into the courtyard the sentry was guarding. He was carrying a rocket launcher that consisted of a large black pipe and a box on the end with a skull on it.

"What is this?" Heavy asked, "Are we suddenly in _Super Mario Brothers_?" The sentry blew up the Soldier and left his Bill Blaster on the ground. A few seconds later, Pyro ran in, with a Brain Slug on its head, and its head replaced with a glass container holding a brain floating in green liquid. "Ah," he sighed, "good to see Pyro is still normal." Pyro was carrying the BLU intelligence briefcase on its back. It headed up the stairs and went to the basement to drop off the briefcase. Upon dropping it off, the administrator announced, "Victory!" and played a triumphant bit of music. The RED team ran over to the BLU fort to humiliate them even further.

Before the start of the next fight, Heavy was sitting down in the locker room. He tried to understand what had happened that caused such drastic changes to Heavy's world. Not only had the other team been changed, but his team had been changed, too. On both teams, the Scout, the Medic, the Engineer, the Sniper, and the Spy had been turned into women, his sandvich had become a grilled cheese sandvich (though he wasn't complaining about that), and several other things had changed.

Pyro noticed how upset Heavy was and sat down next to him. "Mmph phmph?" Pyro asked.

"Oh," Heavy responded in a melancholy voice, "Nothing is wrong, Pyro. Is just…different. Everything is different. And I do not know why."

Pyro looked at Heavy. "Mmm…" Pyro patted Heavy's back. "Hmm, hmm." In order to cheer him up, Pyro decided to show Heavy his new weapon. Pyro pulled out a white flare gun and showed it to Heavy.

"Ooh…" Heavy looked at the flare gun. It had a faded red logo on the sides. "That is nice flare gun."

Fem Spy walked over. "I recognize that logo," she said. She took out her Ap-Sap. "That is the logo on Wheatley's face." She turned him over so Heavy and Pyro could see.

Wheatley looked at the flare gun. "Yes," he said, "That is indeed the Aperture Science logo. I dunno how you were able to get an Aperture Flare Ejecting Device, but I expect you'll put it to good use, mate." Fem Spy put the Ap-Sap back into her jacket. "Oh, not the pocket," he whined. She then went to her locker to get her gun.

As she was getting it out, Fem Sniper looked over. "Hey," she said, "I see you have a Festive Ambassador now."

Fem Spy looked at Fem Sniper. " _Oui_ ," Fem Spy replied, "Actually, it is my Ambassador that I received after getting revenge on that Engineer _chienne_ who kept killing me with her sentry."

"Oh, so you got that weapon festivized, too, huh?" Fem Sniper took out her Huntsman bow. "Same thing happened with me and the Huntsman I got for makin' that Scout bleed to death when I died. Got the bowstring replaced with a strand of Smissmas lights and my arrows decked out with lights on the end."

"Mission begins in 30 seconds!" the administrator announced.

"Let's get going," Fem Spy said. She opened up her disguise kit and pulled out a cigarette. She and Fem Sniper went out to get ready to fight. Pyro followed suit.

Heavy thought about how his teammates' weapons had been redesigned because of whatever happened. He wondered if the same happened to him. He ran to his locker and looked at his weapons. To his delight, he found his Iron Curtain (which he had received from a friend who won it in a poker tournament) had been decorated. Pulling it out of the locker, he found that it was now plated with Australium gold, glistening in the light. "Yes," he said, "I like this new weapon…" He then pulled out his sandvich, which was now also wrapped in festive wrapping paper as well as stuffed with cheese. "Aww, how merry!" To go along with the festive sandvich, he got out his Holiday Punch mittens and put them on, as well as his robotic toque. He then put the sandvich into his pocket and lifted his Australium Curtain minigun. He went out of the locker room. "Let us fight like men **and** women…" he said, ready to kick the asses of both his male and female opponents.

 _The moral of the story is: shit happens. Sometimes, you just gotta find the best in whatever life throws at you._


End file.
